May 05, 2017

The Day I Thought The Rapture Came

Welcome to Funny Friday! Here's another addition of a silly story, go ahead have a good laugh at our expense. We're use to it.

The day I thought the Rapture came & I was Left Behind —

There are some days where not a whole lot happens, and then there are some where you go through every emotion imaginable in a span of 10 mins.

It started as a regular Fall day. Missy, my sister/partner, had some crazy project she committed to and roped me in. We were tasked to making a wedding cake and a groom’s cake. Keep in mind her nickname is Betty Crocker, literally I call her Betty quite often, she has mad baking skills. If I had a nickname for baking it would be Failure Fran, Burnt Barbara, or What’s A Whisk Wanda. So when placed with the task of baking I’m the last person you call. However, there was crafting involved so I figured if she also gave me wine, fine count me in.

So let’s get a good idea of what exactly she got us into. We were tasked with making a 3 tier, scratch that, a 4 tier wedding cake and a FULL Monopoly board for the groom’s cake. I mean full board, complete with Park Place, Community Chest cards, and a rice crispy treat tower in the center. Betty done gone crazy, but if anyone could do it or fail drastically it was us. Need I mention this was the same day we had to bring said cakes to THE WEDDING. We are nothing if not last minute believers. Procrastination central… All aboard!

Also, a little tid bit. Betty, our rockstar baker, was 7 months prego. At a whopping 5’ 1”, standing on her tip toes, homegirl’s belly was not small. She probably could have balanced the cake on her tummy and crafted from there, but anyways I’m getting away from the story. At some point I was concocting some rice crispy treat tower blob and she starting making the icing. Betty had been standing at the mixer blending away for about 15 mins when I skirted off to the bathroom.

I come out not two mins later and the mixer is going strong but no Betty. She would never leave me to bake alone so I begin looking around the house yelling her name. Go in her room, no Betty. Bathroom, no Betty. Living room, closet, front yard, back yard, and so on NO BETTY. Mixer still going strong and she’s still nowhere to be seen. It’s like I saw the mixer for the first time beating away by itself. Finally, it hits me. My heart hits the ground, pulse is racing and I’m about to burst in tears.

The rapture came and I was Left Behind!!!

That makes the only logical sense! The mixer here mixing all by itself. She’s nowhere to be seen, I’ve searched every room looking. Still just a mixing, round and round and I’m having the biggest break down of my life. What happened? I’m a Christian! This can’t be! How could I just miss it? That stupid mixer is still going!!! As I remembered my niece upstairs sleeping, taking the stairs 3 at a time I slowly start to open her door. What if she was gone? Well then I’m a goner. Plain and simple. With all the courage I could muster I peek in her room. And what do I see? A sweet angel was sound asleep. I don’t know if I’ve ever loved her more than that moment. Thank you sweet angel niece for being a human I can see! Sweet Jesus, praise the Lord! I exhaled harder than I think I ever had. If she’s here then I’m good and just going crazy. Crazy can be medicated, left behind after the rapture not so much. It wasn’t until that moment I realize maybe the rapture shouldn’t have been my first logical response.

So now that I know I didn’t miss the rapture, where is my blasted sister? I’m going to kill her for leaving that mixer on. I go outside one more time and hear this buzzing noise. As I walk in the garage I see her goggles on, belly stretched out far as her finger tips operating a skill saw…. she was cutting a piece of wood for the bottom of the cake. Cutting said 2” board towards her protruding, baby filled stomach. Having yet another terrible panic, envisioning a redneck C-Section about to take place before my eyes I see a rat run across the floor. Lord, help me. I let out a high shriek, Betty's goggle face flies up to see what that was and asks “what’s wrong?” “Nothing, nothing at all you just go on about your business,” and we will talk when the saw is off.

I tell her all about my tragic 10 minutes without her and informed her the rapture did no happen so all is good. However, if she ever operates a saw pregnant again she better be building a coffin cause I will put her in it. Sibling love, you get it.

The cakes surprisingly turned out amazing. And the Monopoly board was pretty fabulous if I say so myself. Did it taste good, I have no clue that’s all Betty. But after going through rollercoasters of emotions from almost being left behind & the scare of performing duties beyond my medical care skill set. I vowed to never be involved in cake baking experiences again.